Be Kinder To Yourself
If we were asked, most of us would consider ourselves to be compassionate people. We show empathy and understanding for other people’s pain and suffering. When possible, we even try to help alleviate the suffering. Think about how the last time your best friend or someone you loved came to you about a stressful situation or a perceived failure. Think about your thoughts, feelings, and tone of voice you used. Now think about the last time you made a mistake or failed at something. Did you respond with the same feelings? For many of us it was probably different. We tend to be warm, understanding, supportive and soothing when helping others but quite critical and judgmental when it comes to our own shortcomings and suffering. While showing compassion for others is important, many of us would agree that we do not always do the same for ourselves. It’s as if we somehow expect ourselves to be able to handle life’s challenges differently. It’s equally if not more important for us to have self-compassion and to give ourselves those same warm, supportive emotions.
Kristen Neff defined self-compassion as being comprised of three components: self- kindness versus self-judgment, a sense of common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification when confronting painful self-relevant thoughts and emotions
Self-compassion enhances well-being primarily because it deactivates the threat system, activates the self-soothing system, helps us feel more connected, and reduces feelings of isolation. Kristen Neff defined self-compassion as being comprised of three components: self- kindness versus self-judgment, a sense of common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification when confronting painful self-relevant thoughts and emotions. Self-compassion involves recognizing that all humans are imperfect, that no one is infallible, everyone makes mistakes, and have serious life challenges. By understanding this and exhibiting self-compassion, individuals can connect to the shared human experience, so that they are able to accept and reflect on their experiences through a broad, inclusive perspective. Being caring and understanding with oneself rather than being harshly critical is showing self-kindness. Self-compassion is associated with positive strengths such as happiness, optimism, wisdom, curiosity and exploration, and emotional intelligence, as well as the ability to cope effectively with life stressors such as academic failure, divorce, childhood trauma, or chronic pain. Self-compassion requires us to be self-aware and to pay attention to the negative thoughts and feelings about our personal suffering. As we increase self-compassion by directing sensitivity inwardly to our own experience of suffering and foster a deep desire to alleviate the suffering, we will find the ability to be supportive and comfort ourselves when experiencing hurt, disappointment, or failure.
3 Exercises to Improve Self-Compassion
Self-Compassion Meditations- Meditation and other mindfulness practices allow you to observe how you are feeling about your suffering. Remember we cannot change what we are not aware of.
Self-Compassion Journal- Actually writing your awarenesses and experiences of your pain and suffering can allow you to see how you are responded to yourself. This allows you to write out and practice self-compassionate responses.
Changing your critical self-talk- Practice paying attention to your inner critic when you make a mistake. Many times, I hear people say things like “I’m so stupid” and even though they may be joking, this self-talk reduces our ability to be self-compassionate.
